Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Life Quotes and Baby Goats*

Hello Friends. So, I've hit rock bottom. Today I googled: "How to write a funny blog post so that people will laugh and like the things I say." After some Google and soul searching, I feel I have compiled the perfect list to accomplish this seemingly daunting task.

HOW TO WRITE A BLOG POST THAT PEOPLE WILL MAKE LAUGH (WITH YOU) AND LIKE THE THINGS YOU SAY IN LESS THAN 4 STEPS:

1. Compliment the People
This is important. The reader is important. Gently "frost" your reader with compliments, but not in an obvious way. For example, "I'm so glad you wonderful people are reading my blog" or "Y"ALL ARE SOOOOOO BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING INSIDE AND OUT--DON'T EVER CHANGE." As you can see, a well placed compliment directed to the reader is a nice touch to any post.

2. Mak sur u spell thingz wright
In a wurld off txting shorthand n' stuff, ppl half bcome alot more cazual when it comz 2 grammar n' punctuation. Mak sur that there r no lil red lines at the bottom of a wurd b/c that indicatez tha wurd is misspeled or gramatically in correct, lol. Being able 2 reed wurds makez them funnee!

3. Find Your Inspiration
I personally draw my inspiration by Googling "Life Quotes." My creative juices just FLOW when I read things  like, "Silence is the most powerful scream" or "If 'Plan A' didn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters" or "Life is a story, make yours a bestseller." <3 <3 <3 See what I mean??

Now before you get your bloomers in a knot, these aren't blogging law, they're just suggestions!! So don't stress if you're having trouble finding your inspiration or your grammar is a little lacking or you like pineapple on your pizza--there's always room for improvement! ABOVE ALL ELSE, make sure you AlWaYs StAy TrUe To YoU*:.



*DISCLAIMER: There are no baby goats in this post. 

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Nugget.z.

Today, while I was dusting out my mailing inbox, I found some NUGGETS. As in gold, not chicken. Fiiiiiiiiiiiirst of all, this video OF AN OLD MAN FULFILLING HIS DREAMS...cue *tears* *fetal position* *snot* *thumb-sucking* Gets. me. erry. time. Ok, that was really the only thing I wanted to share before I came to the rest of this post...
BACKSTORY--below you will find an assortment of odd questions [BOLD] followed by my response [SLANTY], which was for my application to the Advertising Program at BYU. You'll notice my responses are a bit short--I was kept to a word limit, or else I probably could've rambled on for like EVER without stopping and then people would be like WOAH when does this run on sentence end but it's a run on sentence so it doesn't really ever end so yeah...
Anywho, I stumbled across all this whilst doing said previous dusting. Reading through the material, I just had to smile and dareIadmit--chuckle?? But I couldn't have done it on my own! SHOUTOUT TO: Mother Susan (she's kept me grounded) and that one coffee shop where I wrote all of my brilliant ideas down on a napkin, then turned them into a international 7-part book, 8-part movie bestseller about a boy wizzard, a dark lord, a rat that was a man and some chocolate frogs...what?
*AHEM*
What 3 things did you learn in kindergarten that have made you into the person you 
are today? 
Other children were learning their letters and numbers. But because my first year of school took place in Belgium, I was learning one thing: survival. Wanting the best culture shock for her children, mother enrolled my siblings and I into a French-speaking public school. Yet what I lacked in school smarts, I made up for in street smarts. The three things I learned in kindergarten are as follows: 1. Words aren’t needed, facial expressions say it all. 2. The language of food is universal and 3. Je ne suis pas bon en fran├žais et le chat mange de rouge d'amusement.

The Justice League is adding a new member – who should apply? Why?
Edward Cullen. Dead serious. With all of his abilities, it’s completely logical. First of all, Edward is like a rock. Most superheroes stop there—but not Edward. He can read minds. He can blind attackers with his incandescent skin. He can send thousands of girls into fainting fits with a flick of his hand. He has millions of dollars. He’s sensitive. He cooks. And to top it all off, Edward never sleeps—so he can watch his enemies. He’s like 20 superheroes in one, good looks included. (I’m really not a twi-hard, I swear) Did I mention he was immortal?

Choose a product you love and pretend it just been taken off the market. Write a 
eulogy for the product.
Today, my friends, marks the end of free movement and convenient remote handling. Today, the Snuggie has left the living room for good. Early mockers taunted the Snuggie, “So, you’re just like a backwards robe?” Yet despite this, the Snuggie took the infomercial world by storm. Starting out with colors like, “True Blue” and “Green with Envy”, the womb-like feeling warmed our hearts and arms--all for just $9.99. But by extending from solids to prints and opening a pet line, Snuggie lost sight of the true meaning of in-home comfort. So we bid adieu to this masterpiece of fleece. Goodbye Snuggie.
How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie-Roll center?
For years, this question has plagued the minds of scientists and philosophers worldwide. This has gone far beyond a boy seeking wisdom from an owl—nay, this question questions the essence of man. The similarities are uncanny. The hard exterior of a tootsie-pop represents man’s caution. We often encase ourselves in a guarded shell, protecting our soft, “chocolaty “ insides. And to reach one’s center, one must be patient, lest they crush the inside before ever getting through the outside. So let me answer your question with a question—how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie-roll center?
So there you have it. And, yes, I ended up making it in. Not because of talent or charming wit of course--it was my devastatingly good looks. Yay America! 

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

THE COMEBACK KID

Somehow this lil' blog and I always find our way back to each other. Tender, isn't it?
It's like Jack Bauer and all fifty seasons of 24.
It's like Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in "You've Got Mail"
It's like Jack and Rose from the Titanic.... .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . . ..too soon?
*cough*
OR it's like a parent that was separated from their child 20 years ago and they're finally reunited at the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris and they're together in Paris at last.
But instead of a parent, it's me.
And instead of a child, it's my blog.
And instead of 20 years, it's 18 months.
And instead of the Eiffel tower and being together in Pairs, it's the plot of Anastasia.
*still got it*

ANYWHO, the rumors are true folks--I've been in the great nation state of Texas for the past 18 months serving as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Lubbock. No blog post could ever do justice the AMAZING experience I had in a place I love and a people I love more. I may dedicate a post to Texas one of these days, but only when...WE SECEDE!!!!!!!!!!!! WoOoOOooOoOoooOOooOoooO!! Oh yeah!! We succeed when we seceed! Yeah...!
Woo...?
Oh, still part of America?
If you couldn't tell, YES, I became a proud (by the adoptive property) Texan.
I also served in New Mexico, but...NM, bless their hearts, tend not to get all prideful *knowing shoulder pat*

So, needless to say but I'll say it anyway, I'm home.
I've been learning all the worldly things whilst I was away, thanks to my super worldly family and friends. Heh. Things like:
  • How to send gifs via text (hit me up and I'll shoot ya a CLASSIC)
  • What the words "fleek" and "basic" and "rn" mean in a social media context 
  • FACEBOOK IS DEAD (Mind you, this is according to my lil' bro--the younger generation just doesn't understand...or will myspace #riseagain??) 
  • How Nickelback isn't cool anymore???
  • Frozen! (Wal-mart made 63% more sense after watching it...I got a Frozen lawn mower just the other day)
  • Taylor Swift's new pop thing
  • WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY
  • And so much more!
It's a learning curve for sure, but I think I'm succeeding. SUCCEEDING, not seceding people--come on. ALSO, I was considering sprucing up the ol' layout of this here blog, but then I was like...nah. Beaker stays. 

So glad you stopped by--have a great day! And don't worry--this won't be the last you hear from me...
Until then, RIP Tay Tay