Life Quotes and Baby Goats*

Hello Friends. So, I've hit rock bottom. Today I googled: "How to write a funny blog post so that people will laugh and like the things I say." After some Google and soul searching, I feel I have compiled the perfect list to accomplish this seemingly daunting task.

HOW TO WRITE A BLOG POST THAT PEOPLE WILL MAKE LAUGH (WITH YOU) AND LIKE THE THINGS YOU SAY IN LESS THAN 4 STEPS:

1. Compliment the People
This is important. The reader is important. Gently "frost" your reader with compliments, but not in an obvious way. For example, "I'm so glad you wonderful people are reading my blog" or "Y"ALL ARE SOOOOOO BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING INSIDE AND OUT--DON'T EVER CHANGE." As you can see, a well placed compliment directed to the reader is a nice touch to any post.

2. Mak sur u spell thingz wright
In a wurld off txting shorthand n' stuff, ppl half bcome alot more cazual when it comz 2 grammar n' punctuation. Mak sur that there r no lil red lines at the bottom of a wurd b/c that indicatez tha wurd is misspeled or gramatically in correct, lol. Being able 2 reed wurds makez them funnee!

3. Find Your Inspiration
I personally draw my inspiration by Googling "Life Quotes." My creative juices just FLOW when I read things  like, "Silence is the most powerful scream" or "If 'Plan A' didn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters" or "Life is a story, make yours a bestseller." <3 <3 <3 See what I mean??

Now before you get your bloomers in a knot, these aren't blogging law, they're just suggestions!! So don't stress if you're having trouble finding your inspiration or your grammar is a little lacking or you like pineapple on your pizza--there's always room for improvement! ABOVE ALL ELSE, make sure you AlWaYs StAy TrUe To YoU*:.

*DISCLAIMER: There are no baby goats in this post. 

Nugget.z.

Today, while I was dusting out my mailing inbox, I found some NUGGETS. As in gold, not chicken. Fiiiiiiiiiiiirst of all, this video OF AN OLD MAN FULFILLING HIS DREAMS...cue *tears* *fetal position* *snot* *thumb-sucking* Gets. me. erry. time. Ok, that was really the only thing I wanted to share before I came to the rest of this post...

BACKSTORY--below you will find an assortment of odd questions [BOLD] followed by my response [SLANTY], which was for my application to the Advertising Program at BYU. You'll notice my responses are a bit short--I was kept to a word limit, or else I probably could've rambled on for like EVER without stopping and then people would be like WOAH when does this run on sentence end but it's a run on sentence so it doesn't really ever end so yeah...

Anywho, I stumbled across all this whilst doing said previous dusting. Reading through the material, I just had to smile and dareIadmit--chuckle?? But I couldn't have done it on my own! SHOUTOUT TO: Mother Susan (she's kept me grounded) and that one coffee shop where I wrote all of my brilliant ideas down on a napkin, then turned them into a international 7-part book, 8-part movie bestseller about a boy wizzard, a dark lord, a rat that was a man and some chocolate frogs...what?

*AHEM*

What 3 things did you learn in kindergarten that have made you into the person you 
are today? 

Other children were learning their letters and numbers. But because my first year of school took place in Belgium, I was learning one thing: survival. Wanting the best culture shock for her children, mother enrolled my siblings and I into a French-speaking public school. Yet what I lacked in school smarts, I made up for in street smarts. The three things I learned in kindergarten are as follows: 1. Words aren’t needed, facial expressions say it all. 2. The language of food is universal and 3. Je ne suis pas bon en français et le chat mange de rouge d'amusement.

The Justice League is adding a new member – who should apply? Why?

Edward Cullen. Dead serious. With all of his abilities, it’s completely logical. First of all, Edward is like a rock. Most superheroes stop there—but not Edward. He can read minds. He can blind attackers with his incandescent skin. He can send thousands of girls into fainting fits with a flick of his hand. He has millions of dollars. He’s sensitive. He cooks. And to top it all off, Edward never sleeps—so he can watch his enemies. He’s like 20 superheroes in one, good looks included. (I’m really not a twi-hard, I swear) Did I mention he was immortal?

Choose a product you love and pretend it just been taken off the market. Write a 
eulogy for the product.

Today, my friends, marks the end of free movement and convenient remote handling. Today, the Snuggie has left the living room for good. Early mockers taunted the Snuggie, “So, you’re just like a backwards robe?” Yet despite this, the Snuggie took the infomercial world by storm. Starting out with colors like, “True Blue” and “Green with Envy”, the womb-like feeling warmed our hearts and arms--all for just $9.99. But by extending from solids to prints and opening a pet line, Snuggie lost sight of the true meaning of in-home comfort. So we bid adieu to this masterpiece of fleece. Goodbye Snuggie.

How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie-Roll center?

For years, this question has plagued the minds of scientists and philosophers worldwide. This has gone far beyond a boy seeking wisdom from an owl—nay, this question questions the essence of man. The similarities are uncanny. The hard exterior of a tootsie-pop represents man’s caution. We often encase ourselves in a guarded shell, protecting our soft, “chocolaty “ insides. And to reach one’s center, one must be patient, lest they crush the inside before ever getting through the outside. So let me answer your question with a question—how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie-roll center?

So there you have it. And, yes, I ended up making it in. Not because of talent or charming wit of course--it was my devastatingly good looks. Yay America! 

THE COMEBACK KID

Somehow this lil' blog and I always find our way back to each other. Tender, isn't it?

It's like Jack Bauer and all fifty seasons of 24.

It's like Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in "You've Got Mail"

It's like Jack and Rose from the Titanic.... .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . . ..too soon?

*cough*

OR it's like a parent that was separated from their child 20 years ago and they're finally reunited at the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris and they're together in Paris at last.
But instead of a parent, it's me.
And instead of a child, it's my blog.
And instead of 20 years, it's 18 months.
And instead of the Eiffel tower and being together in Pairs, it's the plot of Anastasia.
*still got it*

ANYWHO, the rumors are true folks--I've been in the great nation state of Texas for the past 18 months serving as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Lubbock. No blog post could ever do justice the AMAZING experience I had in a place I love and a people I love more. I may dedicate a post to Texas one of these days, but only when...WE SECEDE!!!!!!!!!!!! WoOoOOooOoOoooOOooOoooO!! Oh yeah!! We succeed when we seceed! Yeah...!
Woo...?
Oh, still part of America?
If you couldn't tell, YES, I became a proud (by the adoptive property) Texan.
I also served in New Mexico, but...NM, bless their hearts, tend not to get all prideful *knowing shoulder pat*

So, needless to say but I'll say it anyway, I'm home.
I've been learning all the worldly things whilst I was away, thanks to my super worldly family and friends. Heh. Things like:

• How to send gifs via text (hit me up and I'll shoot ya a CLASSIC)
• What the words "fleek" and "basic" and "rn" mean in a social media context 
• FACEBOOK IS DEAD (Mind you, this is according to my lil' bro--the younger generation just doesn't understand...or will myspace #riseagain??) 
• How Nickelback isn't cool anymore???
• Frozen! (Wal-mart made 63% more sense after watching it...I got a Frozen lawn mower just the other day)
• Taylor Swift's new pop thing
• WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY
• And so much more!

It's a learning curve for sure, but I think I'm succeeding. SUCCEEDING, not seceding people--come on. ALSO, I was considering sprucing up the ol' layout of this here blog, but then I was like...nah. Beaker stays. 

So glad you stopped by--have a great day! And don't worry--this won't be the last you hear from me...

Until then, RIP Tay Tay

Mrs. Worlwide (As Opposed to Mr. Worldwide)

Funny story.

(Or more accurately, a-cleverly-crafted-but-probably-only-made-Abby-laugh story)

So today, I dusted off the cobwebs of my shabby little blog and did some poking around.

First of all, blogger is pretty legit.

Second of all, I don't blog as much as I should.

Third of all, that previous statement wasn't really related, I was just throwing it out there.

And fourth of all, (back to my original point) as I was exploring, I found out that blogger tracks page views! 

(Yes I am still in 2004 blog-wise and don't worry, I used the Google to find out what an "e-mail" was.)

Prits nifts, right? Not only that, but it tells you where these views are coming from. On the world map under page views, only the US was highlighted--which was to be expected. I was actually surprised blogger didn't just highlight Utah. But THEN, when I actually clicked on the picture my whole world was turned upside down.................YOU GUYS I HAVE AN INTERNATIONAL FOLLOWING. I don't know how. I don't know why. But I have page views from Russia (holla!), Germany (I've always liked you guys), the U.K. (omggg...Kate stop reading my blog), Canada (or as I lovingly call it, Canadia) and Malaysia.  As in Zoolander. As in, "Derek do as you're trained and...KILL THE PRIME MINISTER OF MALAYSIA!" Whaaaaaa??

Ok, ok it's probably not as cool as it sounds. It's probably one of those things where people were bored and stumbled through my blog half-awake after 10 hours, but I'm still PUMPED. And if this is something everyone discovered their freshman year in high school, I'm still PUMPED. And if this some sort of government conspiracy to get me to blog, it's working! AND I'M STILL SUPES PUMPED.

So I'd like to take a moment and thank my international viewers. So kind of you to stop by. All nationalities are welcome on this blog. Please--leave a comment where you're from and I'll send you a letter of appreciation...........in my heart. Sorry. I can't be writing to ALL of you. All of my MANY admirers. All of my ENDLESS and ADORING devotees. (Just to clarify, that was a joke. I haven't blogged in so long, I wasn't sure if all y'alls still got my humor.)

And to all my faithful Utahan readers, I still love you guys. The relentless, daily checking of my blog has finally paid off--you now have a hilarious post, right before your eyes, just for your enjoyment. And don't worry--MOAR TO COME.

And that is my funny story. 

Btdubbs--did anyone get my Pitbull reference??

Snippets and Whippets.

I have a teeny problem. 

You see, I have a hard time focusing on one thing till the end. If I'm doing something and a thought pops into my head--whether it be "go eat a bagel" or "I wonder if I could do a handstand" or "I need some pics of the Hemsworth bros"--I stop what I'm doing and follow that thought.

That being said, below are some well-to-do blog posts I started...and never finished. Today I was going through them and, to directly quote myself, thought, "Well it's a darn shame these pups ain't n'er seen the light o' day. They could use some fresh air and sunshine."

So without further ado, I now present a future New York Times Bestseller Book--

A Look To the Past: Snippets and Whippets of the Life of Abby Christensen. 

Raw. Unedited. THE RIL DIL. 

This beaut was last seen November-ish of last year. I believe I was avoiding some American Heritage homework:

Does your brain ever feel so full that you wish you could pop it like a balloon and let all the air out?

SwoooooOOoOoOOOoOOOoooooOOooOoOOooOOooOOOOoOoooOoOooshhhhh

That was the sound all that air would make...but more likely the sound a majestic bald eagle would make when swooping down on..........INJUSTICE.

(Sorry. Dang American Heritage is to blame..)

Needless to say, my brain is full. Hence the eagle/balloon analogy. Hence me writing on mah blog. Hence the hencing.

Sooooo....imma just throw it all out there. Out into the blogging world. For the next two minutes, I'm going to write down all those dern little thoughts bouncing around in my head. Take it as you whill.

• I have two midterms this week. 
• Have I studied? No...... .. . .. .. . . .
• But I listen in class!!
• Shoot. I'm doomed.
• I wish I had more kat shurts.
• That would make life a little less doom-ish.
• Adding "ish" to the end of a word is fun-ish.
• Or time.
• Iwastesomuchtime.com
• HILAR. Go check it out. 
• That's a song by will.i.am.
• Isn't it funny how that's just william with well placed periods?
• That's how Flo Rida is...you guys. It's just Florida with a space!
• I need some more space in my closet. 
• My clothes don't fit....In my closet, I mean.

Ah, a look into my blogging methods.  I tend to make multiple drafts of the same event or rant. If you refer to one of my later posts, I did in fact blog about freshman year. If I remember correctly, the beginning is quite similar, but I rather enjoyed the second paragraph:

Never thought I'd be back so soon, eh? EH??........eh?..........yeah..............hello..?

I'm like a boomerang.

Or a bad foot fungus.

Or a stray dog with rabies.

I JUS KEEP COMIN BAHK (evenafter3monthsofnopostingteehee)

Alright. No more intros. No more excuses. No more references to feet or rabies DANGIT.

We're going straight to the soul. Straight to the innermost thoughts of Abby's mind, into the folds of her very being...

HA. None y'all would last two hot seconds in this brain o' mine. So we'll just go straight to the heart of this post (ehem):

FRESHMAN.YEAR.z. 

Joke. I only had one freshman year. I just added the z to be kool/thug/swag/YOLO.

...too much?

Anyway, my freshman year just ended. Did I ever think I'd be sad? Nope.

Oh I remember this one had great potential. To be honest, the whole thing became too time consuming. This was at the end of the semester, winter 2011:

I. SURVIVED.

Not that I ever thought I wouldn't.

I've always been confident in my college-taking capabilities. (except for those little pockets of doubt where I'd rip out my hair in bloodied chunks and curl up into fetal position for 7 hours straight.)

But alas, winter semester 2011 is forever gone, and what do I have to show for it? Worn textbooks and broken pencils? Semi-average grades? A NOTEBOOK FULL OF EMPTY DREAMS????

NAY. Well, maybe that last one... .. ... .. BUT. I have learned many much things - and will impart them upon you, my faithful follower, for future reference. *free of charge!*

FIRST OF ALL, library = best friend. Maybe even Best Friend Forever if you go often enough. The library will become your biggest ally for peace and free wifi. Library does not equal little brother - you can't ignore it. Library does not equal nerdy cousin - you're not too cool for it. And library does most certainly not equal nosy aunt - YOU CAN'T ESCAPE IT. HBLL4LYPHE

SECOND OF ALL, all sports pass? WORTHless. 

And last but not least, the longest post in my draft folder. Toward the end, I inconveniently succumbed to writers block and like a Cafe Rio salad, could never finish it. This is truly a relic from the past--my senior year of high school:

Every dinner at the Christensen home invariably ends with someone running out crying a little thing we lovingly call Table Topics - "The cube that started it all! These engaging questions inspire the best kinds of conversation - whether over a glass of wine or at dinner party. Created for adults, but appropriate for ages 12 and up."

So basically it's a cube with little cards inside that have thought provoking questions.
POINT BEING: Sophie pulled one out that went along the lines of,

"In what era would you most like to have grown up?"

And before another breath could be taken, my heart leaped out of my chest and with a voice all its own loudly proclaimed (very brave heart style),

"THE E-E-E--E--E--E-IGHTIES!!!!"
(the 80's)

True story. And I'm not talking bottles and huggies - I'm talkin living in the 80's as an all out TEENAGER.
I mean, who wouldn't? What with the hair? The music? The style? REGANOMICS?? But siriously. *Editor's note: I foolishly spelt "siriously" wrong. I now know it's spelt "suriously"
Take a gander and you'll see what I mean:

  A league all their own...

 Acid wash + hair + fringe = triple win

My prom went a little somethin' like this.

I can't decide if it's the earring or the hair that makes me weak at the knees..

iwanttobeatwin...in the 80's.

*******************************************************************************

There's a lot more where those came from. Alas, the public is not ready for the second book in my 10 part series. They'll have to make a movie about these ones first.

Oh and here are the whippets I promised:

and the Hemsworth brothers:

...drool...
you throw that peace sign liam

GOOD TIMEZ

Oh hey guys. Sorry it's been like four months I've just been super bus--

GOTCHA!

Am I aware of the fact that I posted 12 DAYS (not months!) ago? Ohs yeahs. 

Am I aware of the fact that I have (somewhat) held true to my once a week post credo? You bet your Great Aunt Ida's mumu I do.

Am I aware of the fact that in Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone’s ear while they're moose hunting? Why yes. Yes I was. 

Anywho, two major things in the Life of Abby these past weeks:


NUMS UNS (Numero Uno):
June 21st twas the one year anniversary of my JAW SURGERY.
Yes ladies and gents, it has been a whole year since my face weighed almost as much as the rest of my body. 
To celebrate, I visited the good ol' Timpanogos hospital, drank a whole cup of liquid loratab, blended an entire sandwich and ate it, walked around with 32 grapes in my cheeks for a full hour and sewed 7 jaw bras--each a color of the rainbow.


. . .. .. .... .Oh all right. I didn't do any of those things. In fact, I did nothing, NOTHING to commemorate my poor jaw! I am ashamed. I had big plans (see above^^^), but I failed. But just you guys wait. I WILL MAKE IT UP TO YOU JAW!! (Slash you guys because I'm posting this beaut):

On that note...NUMERO DOS:


This weekend I went up to Idyho!! FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. Weird I know. I've driven through the great potato state, but never actually visited someone. We (meaning Zoe and I), decided to head on up for A. Walks Elder Walker's farewell. Of course, we had to take a detour through Rupert, Idaho to visit Romney VonHansen and see the ol' farm/eat tortas/figure out what planted potatoes look like/buy kool shirts/go cow tipping. Of course. 
We stayed the night in Rupert and in the morning, we (meaning Romney, Zoe, The Loch Ness Monster and I) drove two hours to Fairfield, Idaho--Austin's hometown. Look it up. But you'll probs need a magnifying glass and Jack Bauer to find it. Suriously, Fairfield is SO teeny-tiny. But that's not the point! Austin gave a really good talk and afterwards we went to his house, stuffed our little faces and laughed till we puked exploded imploded cried. 

HASHTAG GOOD TIMEZ.

And now some pics from our trip:

My first official Idyho shirt. Don't the colors just make you swoon??

The Austin Walker BYU Farewell Krew. Zoe, Shaye, Austin, Shaye's friend, YOURS TRULY, Romney

Heh. HEH HEH. Hehhh. ...h. .. h ... .h .. ... ... . h .. . .

So there you have it, folks. The life of Abby is going preeeeeeetty well. Feel free to comment or gimme a shout out or send flowers. I promise to post SEVEN DAYS from now and if you guys are really good, maybe even SOONER. 

May your kat stay kool, 

Abbzzzzz

P.S. Please watch this video and just know that I DIED laughing when I first saw it:

Oh hai.

Convo between Sophie and I:

A-Money: "Rough. I haven't posted since FEBS man."

S-chizzle: "Do you feel like your posts have to be monumental?"

Abexander the Great: "... .. . . . .. . . ... uh YEAH."

(Cameron interjects here: "Would you rather be able to squirt your eye juice ten feet or cough up blood on demand??")

***Silence***

Soapy: "Well...how bout you just shoot for one a month?? That wouldn't be so hard."

OH HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN....Fallen...fallen...fallen...fallen
(Am I the only one who wishes someone would echo the last word after every majestic statement you made??)

News flash: Probs. 

Oh well.

News flash: I haven't updated the blog in 4 months.

Typical?

News Flash: Well NO MORE. I, Abigail Christensen, ACCEPT Soph dawg's challenge. In fact, I raise her once a month to ONCE A WEEK.

Cray cray, I know.
(BUT, for the past five months whenever I've opened my blog homepage, the pictures of my myspace past haunt me into a restless shame. I know this could've been changed within minutes, but to echo myself, the past five months have been cray cray)

So without further ado, I will now update alls y'alls on my life:

1. I've made it through THREE semesters of kolige* (I've finally learned how to spell it too!)
2. I've gotten a insta.(gram) HOLLA atcho gurl @abschristensen
3. I've moved into an apartment/ward where I'm pretty sure I'm the youngest. 
4. I gave a TALK in this ward. Yeah, it was pretty chill. They all thought I was like 23 or something. 
5. I'm applying to the advertising program in the fall. eeep! dubs eeeps!! 
6. I still work at the bookstore....h.. ..  ..ho.. . . . hol. .. .. . I can't even muster a "holla" for that one. 
7. I dyed my tips a mermaid bluish/greenish. FOR RILS.
8. I'm taking one class for summer semester #zumba4lyphe
9. All my guy amigos have left on missions. 
10. All my kallage friends have gone home. (meh) (JK JK JK! I suriously miss them all)

*Can I just get a little mushy here for a second? I did not like the first couple months of kawlidge. Classes were tough, tests were tougher, and none of the people I met were like my high school friends. I missed high school. But then at the end of fall semester and the beginning of winter, things changed. I started getting into the groove of coalige life. I made some new friends, and realized the ones I had all along were awesome. Like, really awesome. I did some crazy, funny, weird stuff and laughed--a lot. I never thought the last week of winter semester would be one of the saddest/hardest of my life (what with finals, moving out AND saying goodbye to everyone.) But I can now say I. love. COLLEGE. It's seriously been one huge roller coster with definite highs and some big lows. I've done hard things and made some mistakes, but I'm growing. And I honestly can't wait to see what next fall has in store for me. 

Ok that was a wee bit cheese ball, but can't we all get a little sentimental once in a while???

In summary: I'll blog once a week now, college was a lerning experience and I'd rather be able to squirt my eye juice ten feet. 

And finally, for your view pleasure:

*Oh Abby, you never disappoint*